Wednesday, September 18, 2013

New Life

Whoever of you has ever written a thesis, or tried writing one, knows what the title of the blog refers to. It means: I AM DONE. I am done with my thesis, I have submitted it, and thus the hardest of all hardships is over. While I was writing, it felt as if it was never going to be over. Even when the deadline was coming closer and I was absolutely positive that by day X I will be done, just because I had no over choice, even then it felt as if it is never going to happen. If I may say so, this gave me the closest experience to death and afterlife that I was allowed to have till this moment. The dead-line was sure, as sure as death, but if there was going to be an afterlife, I didn't know and couldn't believe I will be granted that beatific life beyond the D-line.
I don't know if I will be ever able to report from Beyond, but I can assure you now that haven submitted my thesis I feel reborn. And as dramatic as it may sound, it is a new life, it means finally not being a student any more, it means a chance to finally (and at least  formally) become an adult. One of those adults who plan a holiday or chose which car insurance is more convenient. And maybe even getting a car.

As writing has proved to be such a struggle, I can easily confess that writing is not one of my greatest talents, neither academical, nor creative writing. But analyzing my own life, that's something you bet I'm good at. I am also very good on procrastinating, and that is how I happen to be having a blog - it's my personal contribution to the wide-ranging but well-known stereotypes of procrastination (like, how original it is to clean up your fridge in the evening before a submission deadline!?).
If somebody happens to be interested, the topic of my thesis was 'perfection'. The Perfection in Albert the Great. I got many of those vague "Oh, very nice" reactions when I was being asked about my dissertation topic. On academic level, I am still not sure if that topic really worked. But being now able to have a more detached look at it, it was maybe not a case that I chose to work on the perfection. Analyzing myself, my life, and my world, in order to get better, that is what I was always interested in. And while it doesn't mean that I will become perfect (ha!) it does nevertheless mean that I am interested in the process of perfectioning oneself. Because, and I can give you some textual evidence on that!, man is not able to change; but he is able to become better, i.e. more perfect.
I profoundly believe in this. Usually we are hoping that things are going to change, or that our partners are going to change, or that some other important person is going to change. That is unrealistic illusion that might prove very disappointing. But the inability to change isn't disappointing as such. While we are never going to really and profoundly change, we still have the chance to become better. And that is why the hard work on thinking and rethinking and insisting is necessary. We are born in certain ways, and we can work on the raw material we have at our disposal, to make it better.

Strangely enough, what was the deadline of my second PhD happened to be also the birth date of my twins.

And the new life began.

But you know what? New life is just a continuation of the old one. New smile born out of previous struggles, quarrels, frustrations... and passion. Like the passion to be a better self.

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