Friday, March 28, 2014

Grupmy, tired, lost.

I wouldn't speculate too much on the cause, but in the last several weeks I was thinking a lot about the grumpiness. There is a general inclination to being grumpy rather than cheerful when you know that three loads of laundry are waiting for you, and a dinner to prepare, which will be then greeted with a equally grumpy "Bleaaahhhh, I don't like this!!!", and maybe also one or two tax declarations and other anonymous but tedious paperwork are sitting on the table or on the desktop, and you can almost hear them patiently tapping fingers, while waiting for you, cause they (the various papers) know that you can't escape them. Yup, these are, in short, some of the tasks that I have to do today and which are making me feel grumpy, and of course I felt very strongly like blogging about them as a first step towards fulfilling them.
But apart from being generally tired after lots of sleepless nights caused by happy babies, I am also tired of being grumpy, so I tried hard to see it from the bright side. Seeing it from the bright side is not supposed to remind you that there are people much worse than you, people who don't have the luxury of complaining on the internet, because they don't have time for it, or maybe they don't have internet, or maybe they feel so down that they don't even want to speak about it. I know I am lucky in confront with those who find themselves in more difficult circumstances. But somehow that doesn't help me deal better with my own grumpiness. So where is the bright side? It might be the motivation of knowing that after I am done with my tasks, I will feel better, free. And yet, this also seems not to be enough.
There is nevertheless something good about that kind of mood, and about not necessarily trying to overcome it. It feels natural. It feels as if many people would be experiencing the same. And yet, it is culturally banned, it looks bad if one is being weary about simple things, because, in the end, we all have lots of those. But I still don't think that having an endless to-do list and complaining about it makes me look a lazy or an annoying person. Talking about difficulties is what brings us close together. Talking about problems makes us realize we are in the same boat and could maybe keep each other company. Talking about our incapacity of dealing with day-to-day tasks leaves us open and vulnerable to social critics. It makes us look unsuccessful. Today I got a 'no' from a daycare where I had applied for the twins. Moreover, I was so positive that I'll get the places there, that I carelessly didn't make any other application and now I'm short in time about finding another daycare before I have to get back to work in 4 months. Tasks and failing to do them all, properly. Not only that it makes me feel down for myself, but it also makes me fear what are my kids going to see and learn for life from me. Endlessly unfinished tasks, and unwillingness to get rid of them, to finally get them done? And where shall I find the strength to be the best of myself, for my own and for my kids' sake?

I think - and I can only hope I got it right - that the clue is in accepting: being down when I get a 'no'; being grumpy when I'm tired; being discouraged when I have more things to do than I'll be able to get done. And what next? Tell a friend and have a coffee over it. Or blog it.

'Achtung'/ Stay ALERT
vs. Matteo taking a picture of Mila and me over breakfast

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