Friday, September 18, 2015

Sweet September

As I was lamenting about the end of summer far before mid-August, August did its best to prove me wrong. August has been warm and even hot, full of lazy afternoons, long bright evenings, rape blackberries and folk feasts.
September went on, warm at first, growing chillier and rainier as days went by. Suddenly the sky started turning into that deeper shade of blue which comes with the wind, and with the wind - those fluffy, heavy, high and white like castles clouds. Days have gotten shorter, the nights - cooler, and the kids were asking for an extra blanket. But we still keep our windows open at night, so that the fresh and sometimes stingy cold, and the starlight could come in.
I have a good feeling about October which is coming near. I am looking forward to the chill, the starry nights, and the changing colours.

It has been an introspective period for me. Looking into myself, trying to see what is coming next in my life, sometimes getting lost in the inbound tunnels of my thought. I am a post-doc now. That means that I am struggling through an indefinitely long period of time structured of 12-18 month contracts for which I myself, each time, have to find the funding. My kids are in a way in a post-doc phase too - the initial enthusiasm and the pride one takes in accomplishing something big and difficult has been taken, and now we are just keeping on. It is an indefinite period of time where nothing novel and particularly motivating is happening. The same holds true for my marriage - we've been married for more than seven years now, and we proofed to be working smoothly as team, losing gradually on the way the initial enthusiasm of the team work. In every major sector of my life the big thing has already happened. And now it seems that what is left are deadlines, morning conflicts over which top or which skirt should I wear (5,5 years old daughter) or which hair-slide (2 years old daughter). Helping in doing homework (7 year old son) and repeating affirmatively a helicopter sound (2 year old son). Starting a two-days fight with the husband over bad parking. Editing for free somebody's articles. This is what life consists of, I realise. It is like a second coming to age. I am past all the big, difficult but also exciting, events in my life, and now it is the day-to-day management. I know that in the long run it is going to have a splendid pay off, but in the meanwhile, for the coming 10 or 15 years, is that all? All that does make very much sense to me... and little joy. Is there something I need to change to make it better? Or have I lost direction?

And there is something more I know. Life has ups and downs, it swings softly and goes through cycles we are unaware of. Unseen and gently, as the coming of autumn, things change in our lives, and then change again. And no, I am not going to close the window to the colder air coming in, because I need to let the light of the stars in. I am not closing that window, no matter how cold it gets,  or I will suffocate. And by the strange patterns of the night stars, I will find my way.

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